What's Important In A Relationship?

The golden question to what makes a perfect relationship. Well, here are some aspects that are a must when you consider how your relationship is ranking:

* Communication
* Friendship
* Intimacy
* Values
* Connection

Let's take a peak at each of these:

1. COMMUNICATION

This is the age-old sticking point of relationships. Not resolving issues, misunderstanding what's said, oh, and the drama continues.

Here are some questions to see how you guys were doing on the communication side of things:

* Did you talk about your life - daily events, hopes, plans etc.?
* Did you open up with personal issues?
* Did you discuss problems in your relationship?
* Did you express your feelings (especially negative ones)?
* Were you honest in your expression?
* Were disagreements settled maturely i.e. with honesty, openness, mutual respect and listening, or was there shouting, blaming and attack?

So, how do you think you (and your relationship) faired in terms of communication abilities?

Relationships, by definition, involve interactions. If you don't get these right or at least on a good footing, there's no such thing as a relationship.

You need to look at where your underlying problems are. Notice the emphasis on YOUR? Not your ex's.

Don't blame and say "He won't engage in a conversation" or "She gets angry about everything".

You need to know what your issues are around communication. Do any of these ring a bell?

* I am too exhausted (physically and/or emotionally) to talk now.
* It's scary to discuss relationship issues.
* I'm embarrassed to talk about my problems.
* I don't want to rock the boat by being open and honest.
* It's awkward expressing my feelings.
* I don't know how to control my emotions.

If you're going to insist that your communication skills are 100% and that the entire problem lies with your ex, then that too is an issue.

2. FRIENDSHIP

You cannot be in a relationship and not be friends. A relationship may not start out on a friendship level, but the elements of friendship need to be in place.

You start with passion and infatuation. These tend to escalate, but they are not "everlasting".

The "honeymoon period" is a reality; at some point you will find that you notice the flaws in the other person and that perhaps you aren't getting along as easily as in the beginning.

You realize that this person isn't perfect and isn't the perfect one you imagined as a partner. This is not the time to bail. This is where the friendship bond comes in.

Your friendship grows over time and that's what holds the two of you together through the ups and downs of life and relationships.

Think of what friends provide and have:

* Great times together.
* A listening ear.
* Trust.
* Know each other.
* Respect and accept each other.

Isn't this a cool bunch of things to have in a relationship? This list can also be quite an eye-opener. Did all or any of these exist in your relationship?

Questions you need to ask yourself:

* Did we do things together and have fun?
* Did we listen to each other i.e. give the other person a chance to speak and really try to understand their point of view?
* If I asked you what your ex's favorite color was, would you know it? Do you know how they would respond to various situations?
* Did your actions always reflect your words? Example: did you view yourself as considerate, yet you often cooked meals your ex didn't like?
* Did it worry you if you didn't know exactly where your ex was and what they were doing?

If you and your ex were not friends, then my bottom dollar is that this was a significant driving force in pushing the two of you apart.

The friendship part in a relationship NEEDS to exist otherwise you're doomed to fail again.

3. INTIMACY

This is the raunchy and fun part. Whilst you need to be friends, you also need to be more than that. You must be having sex and often skinship outside of sex.

If you're not intimate, then you may as well just be friends. If you are only having sex and there is no friendship, then there is no relationship.

So, to get to the point.

Were your sexual encounters satisfying? And, was it 100% satisfying?

In other words, was it frequent enough, long enough, and did you enjoy the experimentation and positions? Did your ex enjoy them too?

Big question: Did you fight about sex? What specifically were the issues?

The tricky part in a relationship is that phase where the infatuation dwindles. The sex and passion can die with it then. That spells disaster.

Sex needs to always be present in a relationship. It's also something that cannot be left to just continue on its own accord. It's an aspect of a relationship that requires nurturing.

Just because you enjoyed certain things initially, doesn't mean the experience should stay the same. To have a fulfilling sex-life means to put effort into it, get some variety, try something new...

If you weren't doing this, I'm pretty sure that at least one of you was dissatisfied.

4. VALUES

"Values" is a concept that is bandied about quite a bit.

Values are the principles by which you live your life. How you make your decisions, carry out certain actions and behave, all depend on your values.

Values include aspects such as: honesty, safety, wealth etc. Beliefs go hand-in-hand with values.

Example beliefs are: "women should not work" or "men must not express emotions".

There are a number of problems that we tend to encounter when it comes to values and beliefs:

* We are not aware of our own values and beliefs.
* We don't know our partner's values and beliefs.
* We don't consider how the two interact and either compliment or go against each other.

Let's give an example to explain how differing values and beliefs can cause conflict in a relationship.

The husband values wealth and status. Therefore, for him it's important to achieve at work, make lots of money and move up the corporate ladder.

He also believes that his success benefits his family as it enables them to live comfortably and be proud of their position in life.

Then, along comes the wife whose top values include family-time and family-life. She's not so concerned about money - they just need enough to be comfortable - status means nothing to her.

She believes that fulfillment comes from quality activities as a family.

The husband, with his values and beliefs works long hours and is resistant to spending time away from his business. The wife is upset and feels that he is ignoring his family and does not love them.

She may even be jealous of his work. For the husband, his hard work is an indication of his love. He may feel she's being unreasonable and demanding. Both of them probably feel hurt and disrespected.

Do you see conflict?

I think this spells B-I-G conflict, and potentially one that causes them to breakup.

Don't despair. Your values may not be identical to your ex's but, in actual fact, they don't have to be.

It doesn't mean that the two of you shouldn't be together. What you need is to recognize and understand your beliefs and then work to form some sort of compromise.

So, let's start...

Do you know your values? These are not always obvious and they can change over time, so, it's good to check in on them now and then.

How do you find out what they are? Well, there is a list of common values in the back of this eBook. Run through it and find the top 10 aspects that are most important to you in terms of a relationship. These are then your main values. (Note you may have values that are not on the list; that is OK.)

If you're a little stuck with this, another indicator of values is to see where you typically have difficulties in your life or relationships. Often a problem indicates our values are being compromised. For example, someone wants you to lie. You feel very uncomfortable with this because it goes against your value of "honesty". Got it?

So, where were your values being compromised in your relationship?

Next question. This one is a bit tougher. Do you know your ex's values?

You may need to guess at these, but it does give you an indication of how well you do in fact know your ex. Remember too that you could be wrong!

If you battled with knowing or finding either your values or your ex's, you were clearly operating without knowing how these beliefs were affecting your interactions. Talk about blind spots in a relationship!

If you do have some idea of your individual values, were they in conflict? Look at the arguments you had or where you felt uncomfortable for clues.

Oh, and if you're wondering how on earth the couple above got things sorted? Well, they firstly started to talk about their beliefs and feelings (remember communication?).

They learned to understand and accept each other's ways, and then they made compromises to accommodate each other.

For example, he agreed not to work on Sundays and there would always be a family outing or get-together. She agreed not to moan if he missed dinner with the family during the week.

5. CONNECTION

Individuality is important in a relationship. You need the freedom to grow as your own person outside your relationship.

You must have your own goals and direction in life. You need to be able to function without the other person. That means no emotional dependence or co-dependency.

Perhaps you were doing OK with the above, but, here is the crux of this concept of connection: Did you have a path as a couple? Did you have shared dreams and goals?

You need to have this in a relationship. There are three sets of goals.

1. Your goals.
2. Your partners' goals.
3. The goals you have as a couple.

Some examples of "couple goals" are:

* Buying a house together.
* Starting a business together.
* Having kids.
* Going on a particular trip together...

Read more: http://www.articlesnatch.com/Article/What-s-Important-In-A-Relationship-/935272#ixzz0eLrl1wUY
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution No Derivatives